This blog post is reposted from November 1, 2012.
i'm 18 and up until now, i still do not know why...
why God never allowed me to experience the love of my father in a long term duration.
well, i just met my father last may 6 for the first time in a decade.
and yes, God permitted him to dance with me on my 18th birthday. (this i never thought would happen!!)
and God answered the prayer i wrote and prayed about last 2012 prayer and fasting:
"fellowship w/ dad"
i was happy.. very happy from all the breakthroughs i just experienced that involved my father.
but his presence within our reach did not last for long..
i still do not know why God let this happen to me and my family..
and it's kind of weird because even though our father left us, God still enabled our family to prosper financially.. like, our family alone could survive without a father.
and even if i still don't get the whole picture, i only know one thing.. that this became a way for me to seek for Him and experience the love of "the Father."
i mean, this space in my heart which my father failed to fill, the Father filled.
as early as 4th grade, He called my attention...
our class adviser, Teacher Chat, called my name out of the blue. she just wanted to talk with me. she mentioned my father and she asked me questions about him that if i knew his face or even remember him. during the conversation, i felt no pain or anything. i was 10 and i was clueless about what my emotions should be. then at the end, she told me this one thing that remained in my head for years. she told me that i have God who is my Father in heaven. and since i really have no idea what to think or feel, i just received it. i agreed to all the things she said and i went back to my seat. it got me thinking for a little while but the short attention span of a child got me back to my normal thinking mode.
since then, temptations came. but the good thing about it, God protected me from ALL of them.
EVERY TIME somebody liked me, i never liked back..
but EVERY TIME i liked somebody, they never liked me back either. HAHA.
all those memories is just something i laugh about in the car now (as if naman may car, hehe).
and many times i denied that the feeling i felt was infatuation.. i would always say that i was "in love."
but then i realised, i knew nothing about love.
i thought love was all about feelings.. but now i realised, those feelings i felt before were all far from love.
i thought my first love was that guy i fell for when i was in 6th grade or that guy i wrote a song about in high school.
but years later, i encountered the verse from 1 John 4:8 "God is love."
it was a verse very familiar to me. but little did i know about its meaning. i did not understand really the connection of God... and Love.
not long after, it finally sinked in.
when i knew who Jesus really was, i found out the real meaning of love.
but going back to God and my father, i still have many questions in my head..
like, there could've been other time for my father to show up.. but WHY THIS YEAR?
and why did God have to wait for me to fast for it?
and also, there could've been other things God would take away from me, but why my father?
and i still do not know WHY God limited my access to my biological father YET protected me from seeking the love of random guys out there...
God protected me in ways like providing me big brothers to love me. He has given me 2 big brothers but in case my biological brothers were not there for me, God has prepared a back-up! now i have not only countless big brothers but also big sisters from school and church!
and i'm also wondering why God made me wise enough to learn from the mistakes of others -- that mistake of having a relationship in the season of studying. it's kind of like a common thing women have.. but why do i not have that?
i suspected that maybe i was not beautiful or loveable enough or anywhere near "girlfriend material.." but my two lady-teachers back in high school, ate jazmin, all other people and God Himself told me otherwise.
so then, i believed.
and btw, in 2010, Taylor wrote a song for me.. it's called "Mine" ;)
like, it was sooo personal, the title had to me my name! :D
anyway, there was a part in the lyrics there saying that
and maybe the cameras in heaven are still rolling for the story God has written for me.
i'm just 18 but God has been doing so many things in my life recently.